T H E C O L O R S O F M Y S O U L

Sunday, March 29, 2009

i had two celebrations for my birthday. one was during the day itself and one was today, the 29th. i'm not going to spazz about the experiences but i would just like to say that i'm sad that yayoh and ate chai weren't able to make it. T_T i miss them both. and i was really looking forward to seeing them again.

i just wanted to share some pictures. ^_^

our class refer's to pam as fish... she sometimes thinks that she's nemo. lol. so she was really excited when i told her that there's an ice cream in the shape of a fish. xD

sssssh~! blind item~!

xDD bianca and i just had the urge to take the photos. xD

aaannnnnnd~

the pretty little things i got!

yes, they are ALL chained onto my cellphone cover. i love each and everyone that i couldn't just choose. so i put all of them. <3

ok. just a little extra. this is the back of our thesis card - prior to adviser grading + the final grade.

our adviser gave us a 1.00, and our final grade is 1.00. wooot. thesis = 1.00~!

*** colored at Sunday, March 29, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

it was an experiment. to see what would happen if i kept quiet. and i guess it backfired because it so happened that there were days, most of them, we wouldn't talk at all. no hello or even goodbye whatsoever.

i felt like i was forcing myself into a friendship with her, and i had no idea if it was still appropriate. so i stopped. i stopped in a way that i was still there - around - that she only had to click on my name on her messenger window to talk to me.

but it backfired.

*** colored at Thursday, March 26, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

i had just found out that my best friend won't be graduating with us - the rest of the class. she had incurred a failing on one of our senior subjects. it's a major subject since every course we're taking this year are all for majors.

the professors who failed graduating students were invited to a deliberations today, our professor was one of them. the coordinator of our program as well as another high ranking professor talked him into passing my classmate, but he stayed firm. he denied her 2.8 points and it means that she will be behind by one semester.

she had planned to go to law school, had taken a number of qualifying exams in different universities. but then, what is she supposed to do now?

but she's taking everything pretty well. she's able to laugh, even though we all know that she's dying inside. i don't know what to tell her, that's why i'm writing this entry. i don't know how to say things like i'm sorry i couldn't help you, or that i'm so guilty because i will be graduating.

it's funny, our group, including her, was able to get a 1.00 grade for our thesis2. we have highest grade for the thesis, but she isn't graduating.

right now, i'm also confused, and i'm devastated. how am i supposed to celebrate my birthday now? i was planning on going out with them - her and two other close friends - but will it be alright?

*** colored at Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Monday, March 16, 2009

I have had a heart to heart talk with my dorm-mate, one night, she asks me about what happened to me – and her. And I can only look at her, shrug, and heave a sigh.

It was my fault.

But even though I admit it, to her, to myself, I still can’t just reach out and say sorry. Why?

Because I got hurt, too. And as of this moment, I still am hurting.

It’s my fault, yes. It’s my own doing that I’m suffering, but, I guess, I want understanding. And I want to see that this suffering – the sacrifices I’ve made are worth it. I don’t want to give up because to me it’ll be as if I’m throwing everything I’ve done away. And I don’t want that. I’ve hurt too much for that.

I can still remember – vividly – those times when I’m riding the jeepney to school and one thought of her flashes into my head and the next thing I know, tears are already running down my cheeks. I tell myself that I don’t want that. Fuck, it’s so pathetic. But I couldn’t stop, and as days pass, I still can’t stop.

Because I still love her. And I doubt that I’ll grow out of it any time soon.

My friend then tells me to let go. Just let go and be happy. I’m graduating and I have to be mature – enough to face the real world and to leave the past behind. But she also said that I have to make peace.

I have to make peace.

I want that. Oh-so much.

And then my friend murmured, but it’s hard because you love her. You can’t let go because you love her and you’re hurting.

God, she has made me cry with that. And all I can do is nod. Because it’s the truth.

Then talk to her. Tell her how you feel. How jealous you were. How –

I can’t.

It’s an even bigger truth.

Ask her if she loves you.

I can’t.

Because you are afraid. You don’t want to face the reality.

No, I don’t.

It isn’t a crime, right? I can’t ask because I’m afraid of what her answer may be. I can’t talk to her because I’m afraid of her reactions. I can’t look at her because I’m ashamed. That I looked up to myself… and that brought me nothing but pain.

So yes. I’m afraid. Because I do not know of what I will do – how I will think afterwards. I’m afraid of the outcome. I’m afraid to lose her even though I’ve told myself over and over that I can be without her. I’m afraid that I’m the only one who loved. I’m afraid to learn that she was happier with life without me when I thought of her everyday. I’m afraid that when I tell her the reason why I distanced myself from her, she will hate me. I’m afraid to tell her that I’m possessive as hell, and I am so jealous of everyone else. I’m afraid that after everything – I am no longer worthy of her love and friendship.

I’m not reaching for an eternal friendship. I’m not pining for peace with her. What I want now is to have peace of mind. I want all these tears to stop and go away. And I want to be able to smile at her if ever we get to bump into each other.

I am selfish. But I know that I should also stop thinking about myself only and think of how others might feel.

I want her to be happy. I really do.

*** colored at Monday, March 16, 2009